This weather is outstanding. According to the Weather Channel, it is currently 53 degrees out here in Dayton. It's dark, rainy, and nasty. Supposedly some thunder on the way. I could not ask for better weather right now. Some of you know that I have always preferred this type of weather. Give me 50s and rainy any day. You can keep your sun.
So, I'm driving home from the gym yesterday and I pass a church. Yeah, imagine that. I like this trend at churches these days, of putting up massive signs with witty quotes and turns of phrase. Frankly, I envision ever higher and larger signs as each church competes for customers, er, patrons. It will be like getting off the highway and you see those signs for McDonald's and Burger King reaching several stories; you know the higher the sign the more you want to go there. Accept with churches, the higher the sign (didn't it used to be the steeple?) the closer that church is to the lord. And the higher the sign, the larger the flock. The flock, through their tithes, fund larger and larger signs bringing the church closer to god and attracting more members. It will be a vicious cycle as our skyline is dominated by church signs saying well thought out things like, "God reads knee mail." Yuk, yuk! It's like they've got Chris Rock's writer they're so funny.
Anyway, I digress. I'm telling you about ONE sign in particular here. This sign said quite simply: "It's Christmas, not X-Mas or Happy Holidays." When I first read it, I only saw the first two lines, as the bottom line was obscured by some bushes (hence the need for HIGHER signs), so I thought it was about indecency etc. You know, "X" mas. Well, I soon got their point. It's telling me that the holiday is Christmas! It's not some secular Happy Holidays, or some shortened and lazy X-mas. Nein mein Fuhrer! I'm sorry, Mr. President [Dr. Strangelove reference]. It is the celebration of the lord Jesus Christ's birthday. We already went over the issue of the Jeez-meister's birthday and the attribution of 25 Dec to various other gods, so we needn't rehash that. Besides, I hate reruns. But what I find absurd about it is the fact that these people get so upset over such a trivial matter. (Oh, they hypocrisy, no? Here I am writing about it! Idle hands are indeed the devil's playground!) Who cares if other people say Happy Holidays? What if they're Jewish? And X-mas? Come on! In Greek, Christ begins with an X or chi. The Roman Empire, once it adopted Christianity, used XP as its symbol (the X is superimposed over the P - it looks kind of neat actually). The X was used long before the cross was adopted by Christians as a symbol of faith. For that matter, fundamentalist Christians should thus be enraged every time they see a cross as it's not the "true" symbol of Christ. I do find it amusing, however, that some of these Christians see the secularist movement in essence using a Christian symbol to "cross out Christ" and they don't even realize it. Worse than that, they take offense to it. They should be happy! It's actually putting MORE Christ in Christmas! My opinion: Say whatever holiday greeting you want. I have used Merry Christmas on more than one occasion I'm sure. Of course, I know where Christmas came from too, so it's hard to expect anything worse than whining. Look Christians, I cannot even legally run for office in seven states, so don't tell me about persecutions. A vast majority of Americans subscribe to the same thing as you do, so stop with the inferiority complex. Let the Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc, of this country get into the season's spirit and say a hearty Happy Holidays.
On to less caustic issues. Was watching TV last night and am noticing a trend in commercials. I may have mentioned this obliquely in a previous edition. Time-Warner cable touts their product as unleashing "the power of you." I'm tired of everything being about "the power of you." It's like they're trying to enable you. You're worth it, pamper yourself. Everything's about you. It's like those lies we tell our kids: You can be anything you want when you grow up. No, you cannot. Sorry. I wanted to be the Beastmaster when I was six. Guess what, it didn't happen. Instead of my dad telling me that it was impossible, and that maybe I should set my aspirations to a slightly more achievable, yet still lofty desire of being a Marine, he told me that I could in fact do whatever I set my mind to. He may not have used those exact words, but either way, my dreams were crushed when I figured out that I could not in any way establish a psychic link with my dog OR a wild animal. So I guess I settled for being a Marine. When my son asks me if he can be, I don't know, a Mighty Morphing Power Ranger, I will crush his dreams with a vengeful boot heel right from the beginning. Besides, I don't want him to go running around trying to establish a psychic link with a wolverine hopped up on angle dust. That'd be the wrong time to figure out the truth. And I have the scars to prove it.
I've been put on the spot today. Expectations are running high for the last Morning Coffee before X-mas (although perhaps there will be some sort of "weekend edition"). One faithful reader has asked me to mention the great leader of Turkmenistan Saparmurat Niyazov, who passed away recently. I must ask though, how many of you have even heard of the place let alone know where it is on a map without looking it up? I thought so. So it's unlikely that you've heard of the shining light that is Turkmenbashi - The Leader of All Turkmen. This guy is remarkable, and his death is most unfortunate. The man truly cared for his people, wanting to lift them from the depravations of communism and empower them as Time-Warner does you. He certainly spared no expense; he simply put his people on his back, and they rode him to modernity. He's easily in the illustrious category of a Saddam Hussein, or a Robert Mugabe. He could be compared to Hugo Chavez or Ahmedinejad - although for my money, he's a better all around dictate, er, leader than either of those two. Look, the man might not have had the raw talent or charisma of Hitler or Stalin, but that just meant he had to devote himself to his craft with more zeal. Like Tony Gwynn worked on his hitting, Turkmenbashi worked on his dictating - day after early day in the batting cage of authoritarianism. Look people, Turkmen loved this guy so much they had pictures of him in every house! They even paid for colossal gold statues of him! That is love if it is anything. You really have to be a quality leader to have your bust and portrait adorn the halls and walls of every building in your country. Does George Bush have these things? No. What about Bill Clinton? Nope. We've had some great leaders in our country, folks, but none of them have been great enough to rename, yes RENAME, the days of the week and the months of the year, all for us. They simply didn't have the verve, the zest for life, that Turkemenbashi had. Personally, my days just got a little bit darker knowing Niyazov is no longer looking out over his country. Well, perhaps he always will, what with the massive gold statue that turns throughout the day to always face the sun. I guess a void is left in the hearts of all Turkmen; especially the ones who loved him so much that they had to flee the country (without coercion) because their love threatened to force them to pull a John Hinckley and shoot someone to impress him. Turkmenbashi - you will be missed.
Word of the Day: Panegyric (noun): 1. a lofty oration or writing in praise of a person or thing; eulogy; 2. formal or elaborate praise. Good word, thanks. I hope my attempt does it justice.
On This Day in History: Year of the Four Emperors: Vespasian becomes the fourth Roman emperor within a year, following Galba, Otho and Vitellius (69 CE). Vespasian would last ten years; a good bit longer than his three predecessors. Vespasian started work on the Coliseum. Also, Mayflower pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock (1620). Due to my own ineptitude, switch yesterday's On This Day in History with Today's. Yesterday's was actually 22 Dec, and today's is 21 Dec. Sorry about that. Nevertheless, I still want to become acquainted with Jennifer Hawkins as soon as you can arrange it. Big happy birthday to my future girlfriend.
"A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful. Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on. Draining patience, drain vitality. This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old. But I'm still right here giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here. Wait it out, gonna wait it out. Be patient (wait it out)."
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