Good Coffee to you. The week is almost over, thank the gods. Spring is sort of in the air and that's a good thing. By spring, I mean billions of tiny water droplets. These droplets seem to have begun to accumulate in the soil and the rivers and now those droplets seem to be turning into one homogenous mass of water that keeps rising up as if in protest of the thing we call life.
As I was walking through a parking lot this morning, I got to thinking about disabled people and handicapped spaces. As the heavens poured down upon me sweet holy water, I glanced over and saw those handicapped parking spaces with envy. Right next to those spaces was this huge gazebo, and in it were all the folks that use those spaces. Do you know what they were doing? They were having a party, confetti and all. They were laughing and smiling, and many of them were pointing at me with a look of glee. I sheepishly kept walking, shamed at my shortcomings. Then I realized that it was likely a migraine induced hallucination. But I couldn’t shake the thought that those spaces represented some sort of exclusive club; one that allowed its members to minimize their exposure to the torrential rains and winds of nature. For a moment, I contemplated taking a 12 gauge shotgun slug and inserting it into my knee the same way mobsters did to guys that owed them money, but I quickly realized that would be to drastically overreact. I then thought that perhaps once or twice a year we make those lucky few endure the nastiness of nature. No, I didn’t intend to make them park in B.F.E. for that would be cruel; they’re disabled after all and making them walk such distances could only be considered cruel and unusual. They get to park close not to avoid rain and sleet and wind and hail, but because it is difficult to walk such distances. Instead, in the spirit of socialism, it should be necessary for them to stand or sit outside their cars for approximately the same amount of time it would take a non-disabled person walking extremely briskly (as non-disabled people do when it is pouring rain down in Niagara Falls sized sheets) to get inside.
We are now exiting the satire express.
I Ain't Got Time to Bleed:
Four words: Jesse. The Body. Ventura. That's right. I said it. The original action star/governor might just run for President. His new book, "Don't Start the Revolution Without Me!" due out in April (the first no less), discusses the pros and cons of running. He discusses a conversation that he had with Robert Kennedy Jr. about running together on an independent, third party ticket. Vince McMahon, chairman of the WWE, has told Ventura that he'd back him 100%. Hey, why not? This whole Presidential election cycle thing is already a circus; why not add a little spice? I will say though, I've seen Kennedy speak, and I actually quietly got up and left in the middle. I hate to do that, but let's just say I wasn't picking up what he was laying down.
I really know nothing about Ventura's politics, but his choice of running mate is pretty telling. Actually, I know virtually nothing about Ventura at all. The only thing I remember him saying in any movie are two lines from Predator: "I'm a sexual Tyrannosaurus," and "I ain't got time to bleed." Well Jesse, you ain't got much time to run either, so you'd better hurry up and decide so I can not vote for you.
No Money for You:
Because we’re a low-brow publication, I might as well update you on Ms. Ashley Alexandra Dupre of Eliot Spitzer fame. Ms. Dupre was offered a bunch of money ($1 million) to pose for Hustler, but publisher Larry Flynt didn’t think he’d be able to get her because of all the media attention; he figured she’d get more money elsewhere. But more interestingly, Girls Gone Wild asked her to pose, non-nude, in its new magazine and then follow the GGW bus around for a while. The offer was $1 million. But at a GGW staff meeting (who knew they did staff meetings…wonder what those are like) someone suggested that they check the ole archives. Hey, no better excuse to look at some porn at work. So they did. Guess what they found. Ms. Dupre. Back in 2003. Riding on the old GGW bus for a full and getting naked and doing some same-sex encounters. Needless to say, they rescinded their offer and quickly posted excerpts of her videos on their website. I’ll bet if she could go back in time, she’d tell her old self not to get all weird after getting thrown out of her hotel that night.
Some sources state a NY Daily News reporter tipped off Francis.
GGW founder Joe Francis said, “It’ll save me a million bucks. It’s like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch. We actually had been dealing with her rep…” He’s going to make mad cash and he won’t have to do anything but dredge up some old footage. Jackpot.
That’s all that we have time for folks.
Word of the Day: Amanuensis (noun): A person employed to take dictation or to copy manuscripts.
On This Day in History: Eight American airplanes take off in pursuit of Pancho Villa. This would be the first US air combat mission in history (1916). The 99th Pursuit Squadron, also known as the Tuskegee Airmen, was activated. This unit was the first all-black unit of the Army Air Corps (1941). Hitler issues his Nero Decree, ordering all industries, shops, transportation facilities and others to be destroyed (1945). C-SPAN broadcasts House of Representative business for the first time (1979).
“Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.” – H.L. Mencken.
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