Morning Coffee (104)

As I drove this morning, I noticed something in the sky. It was very low, and I could barely make it out through the trees. But I could see that it was sort of pale orange, and quite large. At first, I thought it was some sort of strange light, maybe some advertisement to a store or something. It was so odd looking that I uttered aloud, “What the hell is that?” As I pulled into a parking lot, I continued to look it occurred to me that it might be the moon. Turns out it was. It was pretty much the biggest, weirdest looking moon I’ve ever seen and I wish that I had the opportunity to sit and watch it. Of course, it was colder than hell, so sitting in my truck would have been the order of the day, but still. It would be nice to sit and enjoy nature once in a while. Someday perhaps.

Speaking of the moon, there will be a lunar eclipse in the western hemisphere late Wednesday and early Thursday. This is allegedly a recreation of the eclipse that saved Christopher Columbus in 1504. See, the locals were getting a little upset with Columbus and his pals mooching off them. They were always coming over unannounced and drinking the natives’ beer and eating their food while watching football games, but they never seemed to bring anything to share. Sometimes they’d borrow the tribe’s lawnmower or weedwacker and not return them for weeks, and the tribe’s grass would grow so high that the little native babies would get lost. The final straw came when Columbus’s first mate spliced the native’s cable line and began stealing cable and the next day broke their encrypted Time-Warner wireless internet account. Chief Nahgonnatakenoguff confronted Columbus about it and said that his tribe was pretty much fed up and would start killing, cooking, and then eating Columbus’s crew, starting with Columbus himself. Columbus, after a bit of nervous hand-wringing, consulted his trusty German mathematician-created astronomical almanac and saw that a total eclipse would take place on 29 Feb. Armed with this bit of European technology, Columbus began Operation NATIVE DUPE. He called up the Chief and told him that if he and his tribe didn’t start being more friendly to the white men of his tribe, he (Columbus) would make the moon disappear the next night. They were understandably skeptical of such a boast. However, Columbus was good to his word, thanks be to German mathematics. He did make the moon disappear. The Chief’s son, Cowedbydaman, leapt up in fear, wrapped his scrawny arms around Columbus’s legs, and begged him to make the moon reappear. Not wanting to disappoint, and having no choice, he acquiesced and the moon soon reappeared, to the delight of the natives (and the tides). Needless to say, Columbus and his men had all the free cable and chicken wings for which they could ask, and were rescued on 29 June of that same year. The natives got theirs in the end, however. When more white men landed on the New World, the natives proved elusive; moving westward; never letting the Europeans accomplish their unspoken, burning goal of completely eradiating them. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened had some bright young native simply said, “Wait a minute, Christopher. Do it again tomorrow night!”

Nevertheless, I will test this method of coercion. At 0900, I will march into my boss’s office and demand a raise and a promotion, or I’ll make the moon disappear tomorrow night. Being the superstitious man that he is, I suspect that my psychological operation will work and that I will be promoted by the end of the week.

Believe in this Campaign, AND Yourself!:

This morning, in addition to the wonders of nature, I observed the wonders of man and his impressive capacity for self-delusion. By this I mean I heard an Obama advertisement. In it, some young woman was saying something about going out to vote or something. But then, Obama himself came on the air. It was a recorded segment of some speech he gave somewhere (probably more than once). He asked me to believe in his campaign. He asked me to believe in myself. And then he threw in America, for good measure. The problem for me is, well, I already believe in myself. And if our collective self-esteem is as such that we need a campaign and a Presidential candidate to tell us to believe in ourselves, then we’ve got problems. Seriously, this is his message. Notice that that is not a question. It’s a statement. THIS is his message. His campaign is more about his campaign than it is anything else, and one has to wonder if there isn’t some sort of messianic complex going on.

His main campaign slogan is, “Change we can believe in.” That’s it. Just change we can believe in. Anyone can get behind that. I mean, it’s change, and change is good. But is it really? In what context is this change? What sort of change are we talking about? Or maybe they’re just stating the obvious; the fact that in 2009 we’ll have a new President. Political slogans like this, void of any substance whatsoever, make me slightly ill. Or maybe it’s the antibiotics I’m taking. Or a combination of both. Either way, if Obama wants to talk about change, there are a number of issues he can get onboard with. Let’s start with term limits and work from there. Come on Obama. That’s some Change I Can Believe In.

As an aside, Clinton accused Obama of plagiarism of an excellent speech by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. Portions of Obama’s speech were remarkably similar, and the delivery wasn’t nearly as good. For as good as Obama is at speaking, I guess he should stick to his own material if that’s how he’s going to butcher the “borrowed” material. Anyway, Obama’s campaign then accused Clinton of plagiarism and the whine fest ensued. For what it’s worth, Patrick says he and Obama share material. Neat. How’s that for Change?

Alley Cat Scratched Wrong Post:

Kirstie Alley recently gave the Church of Scientology $5 million; money she earned as the spokeswoman for Jenny Craig. She apparently then gained some weight, and was promptly dumped by Jenny Craig. Perhaps she should have thought twice about giving all that cash to the Church of Scientology because she might need it. Maybe the Church will feed her. Or not. Big feed bill. Okay, that was a little low for this faux publication.

Word of the Day: Abominate (transitive verb): To hate in the highest degree; to detest intensely; to loathe; to abhor. Holy cow. I can’t believe I missed this word.

On This Day in History: Roman Emperor Setimius Severus defeats the usurper Clodius Albinus in the Battle of Lugdunum (modern Lyon, France) (197 CE). This was said to be the bloodiest battle between Roman forces. Cassius Dio, a Roman historian, claims that the numbers involved were approximately 150,000 on each side. This is disputed, as 300,000 is about three-quarters of the entire number of Roman soldiers in the empire at the time. Serfdom is abolished in Russia (1861). The phonograph is patented by Thomas Edison (1878).

“Just words? 'We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.' Just words? Just words? 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself.' Just words? 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.' Just words?...” - Gov. Patrick (Oct 2006).

"Don't tell me words don't matter. 'I have a dream.' Just words? 'We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.' Just words? 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself.' Just words? Just speeches?" – Barack Obama (November 2008).