The newest Internet Explorer is the clunkiest, crappiest web browser I’ve ever laid eyes upon. It tries to be everything Firefox and Opera are, but fails miserably. Sure, it’s got tabs and pretends to be customizable, but it isn’t. After messing with it for ten minutes or so, I cannot seem to move the icons anywhere, which are now nowhere near where they used to be. I’m all about improving a product, but IE’s been one way for about, oh, ever, so moving around functional keys and making them seemingly immobile in locations nowhere near where they were is not a good way to do business. It annoys me. End rant.
The MC is Pro-Choice…:
…when it comes to items to discuss. And there seems to be few choices in today’s news. We can read about Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy woes, or the Presidential campaign. It appears these things are all that is happening in the whole wide world. Sure, I could once again bore you with my snore inducing discussion on the election, but I won’t today. It’s the Friday before the holiday on which we celebrate the birth of that one guy while refusing to acknowledge the holiday’s connection to other guys that came before the one guy. Confused? Me too.
The Year of the Four Emperors:
Since the MC cannot compete with the sensational Jamie Lynn drama currently playing out in the tabloids (and the New York Times) or the regal excitement of the election cycle, we might as well discuss something that will thoroughly bore you. To tears even.
In 68 CE, that’s 1,939 years ago, Rome was on the verge of turmoil once again after nearly 100 years of stability. Nero, the unpopular last emperor of the Julio-Claudian dynasty was forced to commit suicide, and was succeeded by Servius Sulpicius Galba. Galba didn’t make many friends, especially in the army, as he refused to pay them the rewards he promised. This is no way to ensure a long rule as emperor of Rome. When the legions refused to recognize him, he panicked and named a young senator as his successor. This didn’t please Marcus Salvius Otho, who bribed the Praetorian Guard which killed Galba in the Forum.
Otho was immediately accepted as emperor by the senate. It seemed like stability would once again reign, and that Otho would be a fair ruler. However, Aulus Vitellius, the governor of Germania Inferior, felt himself worthy of rule. His key qualification? The loyalty of the finest legions in the empire. Otho tried to secure peace, but the gears of the war machine were already turning and Otho was defeated at Bedriacum. He then committed suicide, having served as emperor of Rome for three months.
The senate, with their typical moral fiber, immediately recognized Otho’s vanquisher, Vitellius. He committed a major political faux pas though, especially in superstitious Rome. On 18 July, the anniversary of the disastrous Battle of Allia in 390 BC, Vitellius chose to accede to the office of Pontifex Maximus, the highest religious office in Rome. Three hundred years previous, and the Romans remembered getting slapped around by filthy Gauls as if it were the day prior.
If that weren’t bad enough, Vitellius had habit of spending money as if it grew on olive trees, which it did not, even in wealthy Rome. He nearly caused the imperial treasury to go bankrupt – not an easy feat. Anyone who dared to collect on debts owed by the state was killed. He was also fond of whacking those who may have (for whatever reason) named him as their heir, and invited his rivals to join him in power, only to kill them and take their money. Real nice fellow.
But the ultimate arbiter of power struggles, the army, was swift to take action. The legions in AEgyptus, Iudaea, and Syria proclaimed General Titus Flavius Vespasianus, or Vespasian, as emperor. Vespasian was given command of Iudaea by Nero in 67 CE to politely ask the Jews to stop revolting, which they were convinced to do. Ultimately, this ended poorly for Vitellius. He whined and sniveled and tried to bribe people into helping him, but the Beatles’ lyric “can’t buy me love” turned out to be very true for poor Vitellius. He was caught and killed by Vespasian’s men on 20 Dec 69 CE. The next day, today being the anniversary, the senate recognized Vespasian as emperor.
Vespasian ruled over a stable empire for ten years and was the start of the Flavian dynasty, which lasted until 96 CE. He died of natural causes, and his last words were a somewhat comical (because he probably believed it) reference to Rome’s penchant for deifying recently deceased emperors: “Vae, puto deus fio.” “Dear me, I must be turning into a god.” Little did he know, Jesus had begun his monopoly on deified man.
Future generations of Romans refused to be outdone by this tumultuous year, however. Rome experience a “Year of the Five Emperors” in 193 CE and a “Year of the Six Emperors” in 238.
My point? I really haven’t one, other than today’s the anniversary of Vespasian’s coronation. But I figured I’d take a break from the usual current information you’re uninterested in and force feed you some historical information you’re uninterested in. I won’t make a habit of it, since that’s no way to run a successful blog-thing. But to make the pain less obvious, I’ll tie it to our political world…loosely.
Today’s politics are damn near as brutal as they were then. While we don’t have coups and the such in America, we do have vicious political maneuvers by politicians you could describe as less than ethical. And while Roman politicians and emperors could be literally killed for their aspirations, today’s politicians can die a hundred figurative deaths. I think the Romans would be happy they don’t have to politick in our system.
Word of the Day: Finical (adjective): Extremely or unduly particular in standards or taste; fastidious; finicky. This word has a smiling picture of Iowa next to it in the dictionary.
On This Day in History: Thomas the Apostle was killed in India (72?). The Mayflower pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts (1620). Pam Am Flight 103 explodes over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people (1988). Divalia was celebrated today, in honor of the Angerona/Voluptia, goddess of joy and pleasure and was responsible for driving away the sorrow of life.
“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.” – Ambrose Bierce
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