Morning Coffee (85)

Greetings, dear Coffee drinkers. I sort of took some time off for the ole Holidays, then I caught the strep equivalent of bubonic plague (‘cause I’m a sinner) and thought I was going to die. My local “urgent care” wasn’t so urgent with their care, but my doc shot me full of antibiotics and ‘roids (for inflammation), and now I have bad back acne, horrible rage, and a growing Neanderthal-like brow. But I can now hit the snot out of a baseball. I was hoping to have brewed you a pot o’Coffee yesterday morning, but Time-Warner decided that half of the internet should be off limits to me, thus I was unable to do much.

Now, onto the Coffee…

Trespass Not, War Criminals, Upon Our Beloved Vermont:

The Uber-liberal folks from the Green Mountain State town of Brattleboro have had it up to their berets with war criminals; particularly war criminals named Bush and Cheney. So tired they are of these horrific monsters that they are about to talk about doing something about them. Kurt Daims, a retired machinist who cuts a Castro-esque figure with his graying beard and bright red beret, is part of a group that is petitioning to have an item on the agenda of Brattleboro’s town meeting that would make Bush and Cheney subject to arrest and indictment for war crimes were they to ever happen to step foot in the town.

Yes, you read that right. The President and Vice-President subject to arrest in a Podunk town in Vermont for war crimes. Daims says, “This petition is as radical as the Declaration of Independence, and it draws on that tradition in claiming a universal jurisdiction when governments fail to do what they're supposed to do.” I think Daims ought to lay off whatever it is he’s smoking, because this isn’t any where near as radical as the Declaration of Independence. Interesting, yes, but that radical? Hardly. And imagine if you will, the mighty Sheriff of Brattleboro, fully vested with the awesome power of the Brattleboro town council, executing the dual Bush-Cheney arrest warrant. He and his constables pitted against a mere handful of poorly armed Secret Service agents, they with their sub-par training and under-armored vehicles. Surely, the agents would surrender the leader of the Free World to men such as these, who are latter-day Green Mountain Boys led by a new-age Ethan Allen in Daims. Puh-lease…

Surely, our present administration hasn’t exactly conducted itself with the utmost integrity and honor (what administration has?), but I think that making a strong war crimes case against any member of said administration would be pretty difficult. This is little more than fraud, waste, and abuse, in my humble opinion. Daims is attempting to make a noisy political statement by utterly wasting his town’s time and money; even the rational members of Battleboro’s society realize that time would be better spent on town issues. I agree that when our leaders fail to do their jobs, it is our responsibility to divest them of their power, lest we become little more than their enablers; little more than slaves. But pointless, hippy gestures in pointless, hippy towns do not a “regime change” make.

A Pestiferous Penile Petition of Preposterous Proportions:

Imagine, my male readers, strolling through a park in sunny Columbus, Ohio. Just up ahead, you see a beautiful topless sunbather, someone that you see every day. You approach the woman and strike up a conversation. You get comfortable. She’s laughing at your stupid jokes, clearly into you. She rests her foot on your shoulder. After a few minutes more of overt flirtation, she asks to see your penis. You glance around and see that no one is close by, and you comply. Seconds later, you are handcuffed face down in the grass with uniformed police officers swarming about. You have just been arrested for public indecency and the cops have the video tape to prove that you did in fact whip out your manhood in public. Shame on you, pervert.

This actually happened, in Columbus’ Berliner Park last May. The man, fire-fighter Robin Garrison, did all the above and was snared in a police sting targeting men having sex or masturbating in the park. Garrison was convicted, ordered to stay away from the park, fined $250, and placed on a year’s probation. He’s still a firefighter while his department conducts an internal investigation, but he’s on paid desk duty. Convicted perverts cannot be trusted to fight fires. Garrison’s attorney is planning an appeal, stating that his arrest was pure entrapment. The police don’t seem to think so, obviously, and have, as a collective across the country, been sinking to fairly low levels to secure arrests; providing “opportunities” to commit crimes. It is unclear as to whether or not the woman worked for police, but it doesn’t seem so. If that’s the case, then the police can argue that, since she’s not an agent of the law, they didn’t entrap anyone. I counter with the obvious: Why were police filming a topless woman in the park without her consent or knowledge? Is that not somewhat perverted? If she had given consent, then she’s an agent of the law, uniformed or not…as the case may be.

You may wonder why the woman wasn’t charged with indecency, since she had her breasts bared for the world to see. It is legal in Ohio for a woman to sunbath topless, since breasts are not, according to the law, considered genitalia. Fair enough. It’s only indecent if it’s part of our reproductive system. You know, only the filthy penis and vagina. This modern, enlightened view of mankind’s sexuality is clearly derived from the archaic views of our Puritan ancestors (old men all), who viewed anything sexual as unclean, unnatural, and god damned sinful, proclaiming as such in Sunday mass, all the while furiously yanking their cranks like hormone addled teenagers under the pulpit. I’m all about throwing into jail furious masturbators and seedy perverts, but the police should have used a little bit of prudence in this case. I somehow doubt that Garrison is a chronic public masturbator who makes it a point to ejaculate on schoolchildren or shows his wang to women who don’t ask for it. A half-naked woman asked to see his penis, and, subject as he is to hormone and instinct, he complied.

Another interesting aspect of this sting is that it targeted men having sex or masturbating. Not women. Since hetero sex usually involves a man and a woman, an argument could be made that this sting targeted not only masturbating perverts, but gay men; unless of course, the police only intended on arresting the male member of the hetero act, which would be beyond stupid.

Exorcise Them There Demons:

The Daily Mail reports that Pope Benedict XVI has ordered the clergy, bishops specifically, to establish exorcism squads, the sole duty of which will be to stem the surge of Satanism. These bishops must maintain on hand a certain number of priests in each diocese who are able to combat demonic possession, should the need arise. And arisen it has, for demons are everywhere. Even…in you. With the internet and rock music, you are being bombarded with Satan’s influence, and you might not even know it.

Father Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican’s “exorcist-in-chief” revealed the plan to the online Catholic news service Petrus, saying,

“Thanks be to God, we have a Pope who has decided to fight the Devil head-on. Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the Devil. You have to hunt high and low for a properly trained exorcist. Thankfully, Benedict XVI believes in the existence and danger of evil...”

I cannot imagine why anyone, priests included, would “not take this seriously.” I mean really, this sort of black magic superstition is best left in the Dark Ages. Imagine the government setting up squads of black-clad men trained in crypto-zoology who rush into action to fight the dastardly chupacabra or horrific yeti. This is hardly different than believing that the plague is a punishment for immorality and sin rather than an organism that can and will infect believer and nonbeliever alike. Demonic possession, in this case, exists only in the minds of phobia-addled Catholics. I know that some of you will take extreme issue with my harsh wording here, and it's not meant to be a personal assault, but I will say that what good religion and Catholicism does, it’s frequently nullified by dangerous and counterproductive superstitions; vestiges of a time when man was unable to comprehend germ theory and had a complete lack of understanding of the solar system (despite the means with which to do so). And these superstitions, such as it being a sin to “waste seed”, are presently clung to as if they alone will save mankind from some mythical beast called the Devil, or worse, itself. Maybe it’s time to recognize that “demonic possession” is merely a psychological response to being wholly repressed by superstitious mumbo-jumbo.

But if the Church must enact “exorcism squads” to combat ghosts and wraiths, let them at least train them so they can avoid instances unsanctioned exorcisms which result in the injuries or deaths of those they’re supposed to be helping. And that’s what the Pope’s going to do, apparently. While technically, all priests can perform exorcisms (Canon Law 1172), very few are selected to do so. The Pope has ordered his bishops to develop training courses; so more priests will be able to leap into action were Satan to rear his ugly, horned head.

Also, the Pope wishes to, well, resurrect a prayer to St. Michael the Archangel which is a protection against evil and usually recited at the end of Mass. This prayer was eliminated in the 1960s.

Having said all that, however, the Vatican has denied that the Pope plans on doing any of the above.

Word of the Day: Persiflage (noun): Frivolous or bantering talk; a frivolous manner of treating any subject, whether serious or otherwise; light raillery.

On This Day in History: The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) is formed (1922). Saddam Hussein is executed (2006). Today is also Freedom Day for Scientologists. Freedom is just another word for slavery.

“At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political ideas.” – Aldous Huxley